Thursday, October 1, 2009











Week 4 10/01/2009 Intro 1 of cause essay- revision #2

Up until today, I would have sauntered into my garden wearing my favorite pair of Capri pants and a tank top. Today, I am darting around sporting work clothes. My husband is quick to comment, however, that I make no fashion statement this morning. I am equally quick to remind him, I am on a mission today, not a runway. As I walk past him, I look over my shoulder and say, "Opportunity is missed by most people because it comes dressed in overalls and looks like work." "Thank you, Mr.Thomas Edison," I quip. My overalls have over-sized front and back pockets which today accomodate several Hefty trash bags, some tools, a water bottle, keys and twine. I admit, I do look like I am wearing saddle bags. My work gloves and a trowel are in the bucket I am carrying. Years of experience has taught me to plan ahead, bring what I think I will need and then some, and most importantly dress comfortably. It has proven to save time and energy and prevent skin rashes as well. How I look today will have to take second fiddle to what my garden will look like for the remainder of this season and next Spring.

John,

I hope the first three sentences hook the reader-using the word "different" in the second sentence? I tried to develop the hook with conversation and a quote. My basic idea is my clothing and I want to prove/explain why I am wearing what I do wear while working in the garden at the end of the summer sseason. Feedback, please.




Week 4 9/25/2009 Reaction to some of the sample cause essays Graf #8


I enjoyed reading the sample cause essays . They did what a cause essay should do. Each one immediately had me "hooked." I read and re-read several looking for the "hook", how it was developed, and the "proof" in each one. I wrote my intro paragraph to a cause essay, Then,I went back to see if I clearly had a "hook", did I develop it, and will my reader know what the idea of this essay will be about. Then , I did some editing. Revision #2 is the result.

6 comments:

  1. YOu're a rich writer, lots of texture, and that means more paragraphs to help the reader better follow you. Here is how I would paragraph this passage and slightly rearrange it to highlight the preview sentence:

    Up until today, I would have sauntered into my garden wearing my favorite pair of Capri pants and a tank top. Today, I am darting around sporting work clothes. My husband is quick to comment, however, that I make no fashion statement this morning. I am equally quick to remind him, I am on a mission today, not a runway.

    As I walk past him, I look over my shoulder and say, "Opportunity is missed by most people because it comes dressed in overalls and looks like work. Thank you, Mr.Thomas Edison."

    My overalls have over-sized front and back pockets which today accomodate several Hefty trash bags, some tools, a water bottle, keys and twine. I admit, I do look like I am wearing saddle bags. My work gloves and a trowel are in the bucket I am carrying. How I look today will have to take second fiddle to what my garden will look like for the remainder of this season and next Spring.

    Years of experience has taught me to plan ahead, bring what I think I will need and then some, and most importantly dress comfortably: it has proven to save time and energy and prevent skin rashes as well.

    ReplyDelete
  2. John,
    Is this second revision considered the Intro 2 for the cause essay? If so, I will relabel it accordingly here. My Intro 1 focused more on my tools and equipment while this revision #2 focuses rather on my clothing. I changed my idea for the intro after your comments and re-reading some of the sample essays. I read you stated it sometimes takes that second intro to define an idea and to cut and paste those ideas.

    I am looking at the syllabus: regarding Week 5 Intro conferences. Do you want to see me?
    I read "Outros" lecture. Also, holding off on submitting the "Outros" until we communicate further and I get direction from you.
    I would like to have all the required assignments done this weekend through Week 5 9/30 on the Syllabus. Essay 1 (five graf cause essay) being due now.

    ReplyDelete
  3. John,
    Thank you for the comments and re-write. I like it. Should I go on to paragraphs2,3,4,and 5? or submit one at a time to you?

    ReplyDelete
  4. Good heavens, carolyn--THIS is our conference! I'm talking, you're talking....

    I think you have a solid intro and are ready to move right along to a close. I will check back before Sunday, which is my next scheduled reading day.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I will be stopping by your office today. Hope to catch you. ( Eyrie copy, I-search paper)
    Tried to send you a message and I selected "Preview" below this comment box. Got a drop down box. First time this ever happened. Choices : Google Account, Live Journal,WOrd Press, Type Pad,AIM,Open ID. ??? I am JUST looking for "John Goldfine"! Oh, well, here goes. I choose what is behind box #1 (Google Account). If this message does transmit, I deserve any joshing that comes my way.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Week 5 9/30 Outro for Cause Essay

    I like the way you amended this so far. Going forward to the outro...

    ReplyDelete